A Question Worth Asking
I have rewritten my dating app bio more times than I can count. It’s a tricky balance finding a line that sparks interesting conversations while also showcasing something unique about me, all within a character limit.
After plenty of trial and error, I landed on my favorite one yet:
“If you could unlearn one thing you were taught about sex, what would it be?”
The responses I get generally fall into three categories. Some jump straight into raunchy territory (predictable). Some throw the question back at me (clever, but I see what you’re doing). And a rare few engage in a real discussion sharing thoughtful insights, dismantling outdated beliefs, and questioning the norms we’ve been handed.
Regardless of their approach, every answer tells me something about the person. And that’s exactly the kind of conversation starter I was hoping for.
Why Ask About Sex?
When you only have a handful of words to represent yourself online, I believe great conversations start with the right questions. My bio isn’t just a reflection of what I care about it’s also a litmus test to see if someone shares my curiosity and willingness to dig deeper.
But why sex? Why not any other aspect of my personality?
Dating apps exist in this weird limbo between searching for love and searching for sex. For women, that often means fielding a constant stream of unsolicited advances, questionable comments, and thinly veiled propositions.
But here’s the thing I can talk about sex too. I can initiate conversations about it, openly and healthily. More than that, I (and every other woman) have the right to question the norms that have long dictated our experiences, often reinforcing dynamics that leave women disadvantaged in relationships.
Rewriting the Script
At its core, my question challenges us to re-examine the toxic narratives we’ve internalized, especially the ones that harm women in sexual relationships.
So many of the “rules” around sex exist to uphold male power while sidelining women’s needs. The hardest part of unlearning these scripts? The prejudices. Sex remains a taboo subject, shrouded in shame, secrecy, and contradiction.
Even in spaces where people claim to be open-minded, conversations about sex are often hijacked by patriarchal views, hypersexualization, or outright harassment when women dare to open up.
That’s why I chose the word unlearn. Learning isn’t just about acquiring and applying knowledge; it’s also about shedding what no longer serves us and continuously updating our understanding to better adapt to the world around us.
Unlearning is a crucial part of this process it challenges the deeply ingrained notions we’ve taken for granted and allows us to rebuild our perspectives and behaviors from a fresh, more conscious standpoint.
What We’ve Been Taught
Sex, like everything else, requires unlearning just as much as learning. We grow up absorbing ideas and lessons about sex some valid, some outdated, some designed to restrict certain people while favoring others. Some are truths, while others are just deeply ingrained biases.
Because, let’s be real, we’ve been fed some seriously questionable ideas about sex. Here are a few things I and those around me have consciously unlearned to foster a more open, positive, and fair approach to sexuality:
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A high “body count” is something to brag about.
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Having sex before marriage and having multiple partners makes you "easy.”
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But waiting until marriage makes you “prudish.”
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You need to look and perform like a porn star to be attractive and deserving of love.
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Men should always take the lead, and sex is over when he finishes.
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If you’re in a relationship, you should always be “available” for sex or else.
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Using sex toys is weird, unnatural, and disrespectful to your partner.
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Sex should only happen between a man and a woman.
Question the Contradictions
Notice anything? A lot of these ideas contradict each other. That’s because they were never about fairness or truth. They were about control keeping power in the hands of those who already have it while keeping everyone else tangled up in shame and self-doubt.
Talking about sex isn’t about giggling over dirty jokes or being provocative for the sake of it. It’s about confronting the beliefs we were handed and deciding which ones we want to carry forward and which ones we want to leave behind.
Questioning what we were taught about sex isn’t about finding the right answer because there is no single right answer. Our perspectives are shaped by culture, experience, and personal values. There’s room for different choices and beliefs.
What matters is that we have the freedom to make those choices for ourselves free from outdated expectations and coercion.
The Conversations We Need
More than anything, discussions about sex should be consensual, honest, reflective, and empowering. They should help us recognize unhealthy patterns, challenge harmful norms, and move toward positive, respectful relationships ones where everyone feels safe voicing their desires and boundaries without fear or stigma.
Final Thought
Sex is personal. But the conversations around it don’t have to be isolating. When we choose to question what we’ve been taught and unlearn what doesn’t serve us we create space for a better, healthier future. One that we get to define for ourselves.
